Mystery 10

MacAlien in Apocalypse Noo!

Part 1: Vinny and Duncan Go Sailing

by Alan Grant

It was one of those hot, sunny Saturdays that sometimes hit Moniaive shortly before the start of the monsoon season.

Vinny, Duncan and Gus were enjoying a liquid lunch at the George.

"We should be at the seaside," Duncan pointed out. "Sailing a boat. With babes."

"No money," Vinny reminded him. "Plus no car, no babes, and no boat."

"Gus has got a car."

"No petrol," Gus shrugged. "I only have enough for a couple of miles."

"Hmm." Duncan was thoughtful. "I've got an idea."

"Forget it." Vinny drained the last of his pint. "Your ideas are rubbish."

Silence fell for a couple of minutes. Then:

"So what's the idea?" Vinny asked.

"C'm'on." Duncan headed for the door. "I'll tell you when we get there."

Five minutes later, the car was parked up the Dalwhat and Duncan was leading Vin and Gus through a field. Below them, the river tumbled and sparkled in the sunshine.

"We're going sailing," Duncan announced.

"Does your heid button up the back? Read the lips, man: we don't have a boat."

"I know where to get one."

"Aye. Loch Ken, right?" Vinny sighed. "No petrol, remember?"

Duncan considered for a moment. "I've got it," he said at last. "We could attach an outboard motor to Gus, and sail him down to the village."

Gus began to look slightly alarmed. "We don't have an outboard," he reminded the others.

"Maybe we could just paddle you," Duncan mused. "Like a canoe."

Gus snatched up a thick, dead branch from the riverbank. "I'll paddle your heids," he said threateningly, backing away towards the car. As he reached it, he dropped the branch and slipped in the driver's door. Seconds later, the car roared off.

Vinny shook his head. "Some pal he is."

"I've got an idea," Duncan said. "Let's explore."

MacAlien was relaxing in his secret base (reputed to be a cave up the Dalwhat, but we can't say for sure or it wouldn't be a secret). He'd fitted it out with all the modern conveniences, like Sky TV, a fridge and a dishwasher, and covered over the damp patches with chipboard.

He'd rather have been living in Dunreggan, but it was hard for an unregistered alien immigrant with no source of income to get a mortgage.

Suddenly, he heard approaching voices.

"Hello, wee man." Vinny grinned as he and Duncan emerged from a narrow passageway into MacAlien's cave. "So this is where you hang out."

"Cool place," Duncan observed. "Except for the chipboard."

His eyes darted around the small living area. "Got any beer?"

"There's a six-pack in the fridge," the little alien admitted. "For...um, chemical analysis and investigation." He snapped open the lid of a can and handed it to Duncan. "I can always get more from the shop."

The trio settled down to watch a video Sharon had recommended. Vampire robots battled against giant earwigs with laser guns.

"Is that what it's like on your planet?" Duncan wanted to know.

"Yes. We get a lot of trouble from giant earwigs."

Suddenly, the picture on the TV shimmered and vanished. An ugly reptilian face with three eyes and a beak appeared on the screen. "This is the Galactic Council calling MacAlien," a stern voice announced.

MacAlien stared at the screen. "Chair-thing of the Council," he gasped.

"Silence," the voice snapped. "You have been on Earth for five years now, MacAlien. Your reports show it to be a very dangerous world."

"It's not that bad," MacAlien protested. "The people who live here quite like it."

"Listen to this list," the Chair-thing told him. "Drunkenness. Partying. Riding toy scooters at night. This is wanton behaviour of the worst kind."

"Away and boil your heid, pal," Vinny said pleasantly. "Stop hassling the wee man."

The Chair-thing ignored him. "The Galactic Council has come to a decision," it said gravely. "Human beings and their love of alcohol are a threat to the entire galaxy. Therefore, MacAlien, you will use your nuclear weapons to destroy first Moniaive, then Scotland...and then the world!"

"No! Never!" MacAlien cried emotionally. "I've made lots of friends here." He held up his can of beer towards the TV screen. "Anyway, booze isn't as bad as you think." He took a sip. "In fact, it's quice nite.Oops! Sorry - I mean, quite nice."

The Chair-thing sneered. "Then be it on your own head. We will send the Galactic Destroyer, Big Shug, to do the job for you. Say farewell to your friends, MacAlien...for soon, you will all be toast!"

The screen went dead. MacAlien shuddered. Big Shug - the toughest, most feared fighter in the galaxy - was coming here. To destroy the world!

"Sounds like you're in trouble, wee man," Vinny said. He and Duncan got up, ready to go. "If you need anybody sorted out, just let us know."

"Well, not just anybody," Duncan put in. "Like, not my brothers. Or Gus. Or Mucky. Anybody else, though."

"Thank you." MacAlien's voice was barely a whisper.

He watched them leave the cave, then opened another can of beer and took a long, deep swig. Earth was going to be destroyed, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Duncan and Vinny stood on the riverbank.

"I've got an idea," Duncan said, and Vinny groaned. "Let's walk back to the village in the river...walking on our hands!"

"I've got a better idea. Look--" Vinny pointed up at the treetops.

Duncan looked up - and Vinny's fist arced through the air to land squarely on his friend's chin. Duncan slumped to the ground, unconscious. Vinny dragged his pal into the river, then seated himself astride his body.

"We're going sailing after all, man," he grinned, as the current caught them and swept them downstream.

Will Moniaive be blasted into oblivion? Will Big Shug destroy the planet? Will anybody even notice? Don't miss HIGH NOON IN HIGH STREET...next issue.

GO TO PART 2